This week’s post is more of a confession than an update. Homeschooling is hard. I mean really hard. At least 60% of the time, I feel like a complete failure. The other 40% of the time I think Lillia might be learning something, but it’s hard to tell.
Mostly, I think Lillia is bored. I can’t seem to find a Language Arts curriculum that really engages her. Everything is either too easy, or too hard, or not applicable to life. When I think about what I want for her, in terms of this subject, all I really hope is the following: that she will learn to love her native language; that she will be be able to use it effectively and creatively; and that she will gain confidence in her ability to express herself in speech and writing. Right now, we are not meeting these goals.
But, I can’t just give up because I know what the alternative looks like, too. A few nights ago, Lillia entertained us with a description of the reading book she used last year in second grade. She said it was called “My Time to Shine!” and had a picture of a chipmunk singing on the cover. She told us that, even though she was in the highest reading group, the book was ridiculously easy for her.
Today, I broke down in tears, after a morning of fighting with her over her Language Arts worksheet. My poor parentified child then had to console me, which actually made me feel worse. Despite our difficulties, she was adamant in her desire to continue homeschooling. She knows as well as I do that she needs something more challenging than singing chipmunks.
In my life, I have been nothing if not tenacious. I am not afraid of doing things differently. Challenges really do make me stronger.
Still, I would like to put it out there that I am struggling, and I am willing to admit it. I am standing at the “Gate of Great Doubt” and I know that the only way is through. I just wish I had a map or a guide. I feel a little lost.